Dear Stella,

I am working on a new chapter for ConserveLiberty. I think I'm going to call it The Resilience Personality Spectrum Tapestry. I've been noodling on this for longer than I expected to, and the more I think about it, the more fundamental I realize that it may be.

There are so many different ways that the notion of Resilience comes into play. Yet, as many different dimensions on this thing that I can come up with, I realize there are more out there. And so I thought of you.

If you are interested in sharing your insights for this chapter, can you give me call? Whenever you like is fine,

David

→ Note #1 to Stella was last updated 23 Mar 2018 16:30 PDT ←

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Conversation between Stella and David:

Stella:

Hi David. Is this a good time to call?

David:

Sure. Hi Stella!

Stella:

I had some time to talk about that Resilience chapter. You mentioned having questions about my mom. You still want to do that?

David:

Sure! It may be a little uncomfortable though. I know its been hard with your mom. You guys love her so much, and the Alzheimer's has been going on a long time. I was wanting to dig a little deeper than most folks would go. You sure you're OK with that?

Stella:

Yea. That's why I called. I know you are always going to go deep. That's why we talk. You get Real!

David:

OK. Well, I'm working on this Resilience chapter. And a lot of people think about Resilience differently than I do. They tend to recognize it when they see someone overcoming a hardship or winning something really competitive when it looked like they might lose but they kept at it and then won!

Stella:

Yeah?

David:

Instead, I think about it a little differently. That whole tenacity thing and not quiting is certainly something the Resilient have, and so if you are going to have a winner or a champion one is going to see that in them, because that is what it often takes to triumph.

However, I am thinking that Resilience is THE BEHAVIOR. Both folks competing may be resilient. But there is going to be a winner and a loser. Just because you lose doesn't mean you aren't resilient. On the other hand, those who are not as resilient may lose more often than those who are. Do you get where I'm going?

Stella:

Yes. I see it that way too. Let me tell you about my mom ...

In the early days, when we first began noticing something different was going on, she would always be keeping herself busy. Which was normal. She always had something that she had to do. And she would do it. Normally very good at that. Very organized. Got it done. But then, we noticed that she would set out to do something, and then would forget what she had set out to do.

She would get easily distracted. We all get distracted, and she normally did too occasionally. But now this became usual. She'd start out to do something, and then she would forget what she had set out to do.

Eventually, she became more "question" based. She would participate in conversations, but she would now never actually create or start the conversation. Instead, she would ask a question in response to the conversation she was in. She used to start conversations and much as the next person. But now, she never started them.

Still, she wanted to be part of the conversations. So her way or participating in them was to ask a question related to the conversation.

David:

Interesting! Wow. It is interesting to see how her interactions were becoming less complex.

Stella:

Mom had always been "relationship" oriented. She used to ask about relationships. "How is your friend doing?" "How is your husband doing?" She would ask about them by name.

As the Alzheimer's progressed, she would ask less about the people, and eventually even about the relationships those people represented to us.

Instead, as a way of "doing her part" to participate in a conversation everyone was having, to continue to be included, she would just ask, "Why?"

David:

She would ask why as a form of participating?

Stella:

It was her way of having a response.

Later on, as the Alzheimer's progressed, she would just repeat a word that had been said in the conversation. Even though she wasn't participating in it.

Sometimes she would instead say the opposite of the word. Or perhaps a word that was similar.

David:

(thinking, not saying this to Stella) (Her database of words to communicate with is still there, still working, but she is accessing it by different routes than she had before. For whatever reason the usual routes are not accessible, so she is just accessing the database of words by whatever route she can. May seem random. But the words are at least related by either being similar or antonym!)

Stella:

This gets to your Resilience topic. It's like a survival instinct. A survival instinct DOES NOT GIVE UP. It just keeps going and going and going.

Sometimes, when a part of the body gets hurt or damaged, the body just shuts that part down and another part takes over. Whatever is necessary to keep the body functioning as best as it can. Working as best as it can.

David:

Alive.

Stella:

Yes. Like some people who develop a blindness wind up having improved hearing as that takes over. Or some might break a toe or a finger and so the rest of the foot or hand compensates. So that it can still function as a hand or a foot as best as it can.

David:

You are saying that in her case, some parts of "The Me" are degrading, and so other parts are trying to take over to preserve "The Me" as best as it can.

Stella:

And for my mom, "relationships" are a big part of who she was, what she was all about, how she related to her whole world. As parts of that were now being taken out by Alzheimer's, other parts were coming forward to compensate. So she could still maintain the relationship.

At some point, she would just ask, "Why?" Even though she may not have actually understood the conversation at all. I don't know. But asking it kept her a part of the relationship that was going on around her.

David:

How is she getting along physically? Is she still getting around by herself or is she needing some assistance now?

Stella:

Oh my Dad is with her, she's still at the house. But he has someone come in daily now to help out. Taking care of Mom is probably overwhelming for him but he doesn't say anything about it. But we know he needs the help. You know, we've talked about having her at a Home where they could look after her better. But I really do think that if she had gone to a Nursing Home then she wouldn't be with us right now.

David:

Meaning?

Stella:

Well, we have some good options for Nursing Homes and they could look after her medical needs fine and get her dressed and bathed and taken care of. But at the same time she wouldn't know anybody there. And she's not going to make new friends at this point. So the relationship part would be gone. And she is really relationship oriented. I think if the relationship part was gone, she wouldn't have anything left to live for.

And I think that's why folks might die sooner once they go to the Home. They no longer have anything left to live for. They are not in their home. It's not familiar to them. And it will never feel like its their home. And their friends aren't there. They may get a visit now and then, but its not the same. I'm not critisizing. It just is what it is. And it is not what they are familiar with, its not home, they no longer have their friends nearby. They may be taken care of fine for their medical needs, but they are now lonely.

My mom wouldn't have anything to look forward to most of the time. She wouldn't have anything to live for.

David:

I see what you mean. It's the relationships. Even the relationship with your home if you meant to say that.

Stella:

Yes. I just really don't think my mom would be with us today if she had gone to a Nursing Home. If she had gone there a couple years ago then she would not be with us today.

David:

Fascinating. I never thought about that.

Stella:

My Mom, keeps going, she's Resilient. But if she lost those relationships, that would be like the end for her. No reason to keep going. It's like you said - Game Over.

We had a dog, Midnight, who was the same way. She eventually got cancer, and we had to put her down. But Midnight would have kept on going if we would have let her. That's just the way she was.

My Mom has not lost that.

David:

In the chapter I'm writing, I talk about "The Me." Not like me, small "m", or you, but "The Me", big "M" that all of us have that is a personality filter. The big "M" "Me" filter that each of us has and it is set up differently for each of us, because none of us have all the same filters. I'm thinking that it is "The Me" that is "Resilient", wants to keep on being "Me." Stopping "Being Me" never even comes up as an idea or a thought.

Stella:

Yes, I agree. I like that. "The Me." I'm thinking that may have something to do with why some folks who retire suddenly die sooner than you thought they might. Not everybody, but you hear about it now and then. I think they have defined themselves by the careers that they had, or that they are the "breadwinner," whatever their job is. Then, when they retire, that all changes.

Many of us look forward to it, like its a goal. But for some I think they have a hard time with it. Not because all of a sudden their life is harder. But rather because now they are no longer doing what they had come to believe their purpose was. Their value. Their identity got all wrapped up in the fact that they had that job for all their lives. That was their life. Now that they've retired, they still have a lot of the life that they can enjoy, but that big chunk that they had defined themselves as is now gone.

I wonder if that's similar to the Nursing Home example. It's not the same thing, but now what you used to look forward to doing, what you lived for, is no longer there. Do you see what I mean?

David:

I do. I have some friends who are struggling with that right now. I keep telling them that they are going to be fine, that they are active people and they won't miss a beat. That they'll wind up doing whatever is interesting to them and it will be great. But they don't seem to be able to agree with that. Not everyone. Most are fine. But there are one or two ...

Stella:

Yep. I think it's relationships. Either with people, or your home, or your relationship with whatever your career is. Whatever. We should define ourselves by more than just our work. I don't know why that happened.

David:

Well, I don't define myself that way. But I will tell you something. What it is that makes my "Me" me is quite a bit impacted by the friends I've had in my life. Even the most insignificant things we've done together. They have impacted me, and me them I guess. And so I am what I am because of them.

And I am so very grateful that I have had you as my friend!

Stella:

...

David:

Anyway, I am sure I ought to let you go. I know you are busy and I am thankful that you have taken the time you did to share your insights with me on this Resilience thing and especially on your mother!

Stella:

Oh, you're welcome. I enjoy our chats now and then. Let me know how the chapter turns out.

David:

I will. Take care Stella. Bye.

→ Conversation #1 between David and Stella was last updated 27 Mar 2018 19:00 PDT ←

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Note #2:
Hi Stella,

The insights you sent in your last note were wonderfully intuitive!

Seeing my dog J's behavior with me since A died has taken on new meaning.

Of course, dog's are known as "man's best friend" and I often thought that that was because their devotion and acceptance of us was so persistent, and believed it was due to various of their instincts, such as their instinct as a pack animal. But why dogs rather than other wolves?

Then I realized that they were "selected" from the canine population because of their instinct to partner with us. Not any wolf can be a dog!

Cats seem less so, and more independent than dogs, as is their typical stereotype. I then recalled M, our cat that recently died. She had always been independent. In her earlier days, she actually slept outside on the roof of the house, as did her daughter. Later, she couldn't make the leaps to the roof and would sleep inside with us. We just figured she liked the warmth or something else comfortable about it. She lived quite a while, dying in her sleep at the age of 21. Always independent, until she decided that she was in the mood for some food.

In her later years she was much easier to get into our lap to watch TV. Even then she would only last 5 or 10 seconds before jumping off, but that was significantly better than the "never" which had been the rule for the first 18-19 years.

On her last day, she decided that she actually preferred to be in our lap, curled comfortably, with a blanket over her, quite at ease and where she wanted to be. I remarked how different that was, and was wondering if it was her time. She never complained. She just simply got what she wanted, but was never demanding.

The next morning, we found that she had passed overnight.

The night before, she had simply been keeping the relationship with us at maximum.

"The Me" is Resilient. Persistent. Until and only until it ends. Even for M, "The Me" was defined, in part, by relationship. And ... getting a mouse!

David

→ Note #2 to Stella was last updated 28 Mar 2018 PDT 06:15 ←

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